Freement by William James Johnson Chapter 13

Liz acted very strangely after our night of love. In desperation, she begged me to return to the City of God, but I refused. She told Aggie, who sided with her. Aggie urged me to meet Liz in the park and try to resolve our differences.
"Why have you been avoiding me Johnny?"
"I'm tired of your constant bickering, that's why. I don't need anyone to save me Liz. I'm perfectly happy the way I am."
"But you promised."
"Well I've changed my mind. If you would forget the religious crap, maybe we could work it out. "
"But I can't Johnny. I just can't give up my faith."
"Then that's that. Discussion closed. To tell the truth Liz ,I've had it up to here with you and damnation."
She began to sob, and I felt a pain in the centre of my chest as I saw the tears welling up in her beautiful eyes.
You need help Liz. Maybe you should see a shrink or something. That bastard Burney has gotten inside your head, and he's going to destroy you the same way he tried to get rid of me."
"You don't understand Johnny. You've never been able to understand."
"Then try me. Make me understand. God knows I don't want to hurt you."
"Let's go back to my house? My folks are away for the long weekend and we could be together."
"You think that's wise?"
"I've got to be with you Johnny. Please come back with me."
Her house was so comfortable. I imagined someday we'd have a nice place like this and maybe start a family. I loved Liz, but I hated the evil which was gnawing at her spirit. I had made up my mind, that no matter what happened, if she couldn't get rid of her fanaticism, I would never see her again.
"Let's go to my room. It'll be more comfortable there."
"What if your folks come in?"
"I told you. They've gone out of town. There's nothing to worry about."
Like Liz, her room was very neat, decorated in pale yellow with frilly curtains and dolls. This was paradise compared to the hovel where I lived. She surprised me when she began to undress in the fully lit room. I reached over to flick off the bedside lamp, but she stopped me.
"Leave it on darling. I wasn't ready before, but I am now. We must never be in the dark again. I want to see the wonderful body which has given me so much joy."
Her vibrant breasts moved sensuously when she undid her bra. I leaned forward from the edge of the bed and kissed their warm softness. When only her tiny briefs remained, I buried my face in her smooth belly which became taut under my caress, and hooked my thumbs into the top of her panties and slowly drew them down. Her blonde nakedness dared me to take her quickly, passionately, as she rolled onto the bed and unfolded her eager limbs.
"Do it to me now Johnny. Do it until you can't do it anymore. Oh Johnny, I need you so terribly."
I felt weak all over as I burst inside her, gliding in and out of her slipperiness, her legs entwined across my humping bottom, trying to hold me in long after there was nothing to hold.
"Johnny...you're so wonderful. Oh how I need you."
"It was magic for me too Liz. This is what love is all about. Why can't it always be like this? Why do we have to spoil it with remorse after we've had such a marvellous time."
"You do love me Johnny?"
"Of course I love you. You know I do."
"Then please Johnny. Please. I beg you. Show your love for me. Ask God to forgive us and help us be born again in his precious Son Jesus."
What the hell's wrong with this woman? Does she do this deliberately to torture me? Can you imagine what kind of a hell you'd have if you were stuck with such a bitch? This constant switching back and forth was driving me crazy. I pushed her away.
"I can't believe it Liz."
"With prayer you'll be able to believe. Give God a chance."
"I mean, I can't believe you could do this to me again. This is the same thing you did the first time we made love. What the hell's wrong with you?"
"I can explain...please Johnny let me explain."
"Nothing you say can ever explain this. You'll never change, and I'm damn sure I won't. I just want to get out of here where I can breathe again. Your goddamn religion is suffocating both of us. Can't you see that? It's finished Liz. You've finally killed it."
I dressed hurriedly and left her naked on her knees, trying to get help for me from some spiritual realm. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had made up my mind we were through.
She tried several times to contact me, but I refused to return her calls. Aggie was becoming disenchanted with my stubbornness. She thought maybe Liz was pregnant because she so desperately wanted to talk to me.
"I can't understand you anymore kid. You've become a real sonofabitch."
"You made me that way Aggie. I was an innocent youth before you put the make on me. So don't you start passing judgement."
"You were decent before. Sure you were screwed up by religion, but you never hurt nobody. You got this girl pregnant. I know it. I feel it. Don't you think you should at least talk to her."
"I'm through talking. I've had it with people trying to manipulate my life. You, and Burney, and Liz are all the same. Fuck off Aggie and leave me alone."
I had no idea she was so strong. Her blow on the side of my head knocked me to the floor. I had no intention of striking back. Storming out the side door of my room, I went to town.
It was about two in the morning before I returned. I was exhausted. Dropping on the bed without undressing, I suddenly realized I wasn't alone.
"I have to see you Johnny."
"Liz!"
"Please don't send me away."
"But I said we were through. Didn't I make that clear? It's over Liz. All over."
"I told you I could explain why I've been hounding you so much about being saved. You've got to let me explain."
"I'm listening."
"Johnny, have you any idea how frightened I am about going forward and confessing my sins publicly?"
"What are you scared of? No one said you have to confess. It's like I've told you over and over, Mac's idea of public confession is a bunch of bullshit. That's his way of trapping the suckers. Once they confess, they're hooked. Then for some strange reason they keep coming back to hear others make fools of
themselves. I guess they get some weird kick out of sharing their misery."
" I know that's how you feel. But I thought that if I could get you to reject sin and be saved, then I too would be saved. You see, I really believed that by helping in your salvation, I would be guaranteeing my salvation. And I would be saved without the humiliation of making a public confession. Now do you see why
I did It?"
"My God. It's worse than I thought. You really are sick. You're infected with religion. You've got to get help Liz. That's all there's to it. This will destroy you if you don't give it up."
"But I can't give it up. I'm so frightened of burning in Hell. Oh Johnny hold me please. Don't let me suffer In Hell."
I pushed her away.
"Take your hands off me you stupid bitch. I don't want to get your God disease."
She began to cry, shaking violently. "Don't push me away Johnny. We need you. We both need you."
"What the hell are you talking about now?"
"I'm going to have a baby Johnny... Our baby."
I thought Aggie had said this only to coerce me. What the Christ was I going to do with a baby? This was the furthest thing from my mind. I wanted to go to University. I wanted a life with a future. None of this slogging it out for thirty five years in a car factory.
"I don't want a baby Liz."
"But I can't get an abortion Johnny. That would be murder. I would go to Hell for sure...Oh Johnny. you've got to help me."
"No goddamn way. I want you out of here. and I want you out of here now."
She struggled against my attempts to push her out on to the side porch.
"No Johnny. No. Please let me stay. I can't go home. You've got to help me."
The door opened, and Aggie stormed into my room. "What the hell's goin on? You wake all the ladies. Do you realize what time it is?"
"Oh Aggie... Johnny won't help me with our baby. He's trying to throw me out."
"You're not the one who's goin. It's him who's getting outa here. Don't worry honey. Aggie'll look after you. And as for you, you miserable bastard... get your things and get to hell out. I'm through with you. You can't stay here anymore."
She threw my clothes onto the side porch along with my beat-up Gladstone bag my father had given me when I went to Amston. Thank God it was spring and the air was not too cool. I loaded up my suitcase, and trudged towards town. Liz stayed on with Aggie.
By the time I reached the bus depot, my shoulders were throbbing from carrying all my things. I checked them into a couple of storage compartments and went into the Terminal Café for a coffee. It was like history repeating itself. There was even a discarded want ad section to look for a new place to live, like there had been on the day I arrived in Chathurst.
Unfortunately there wasn't much available. I spent the rest of the early morning stalling before I caught a bus and went to work. Russ Menard met me at the time clock and asked me to take a new man to the tool crib to get outfitted for work on the water deck. With all the things I had to do to get him properly checked out, the day went quickly. I hurried out of the plant when the whistle sounded and got the latest paper to check again for a place to rent. No change. My things were still locked up at the bus depot.
As it got dark, I headed for the Cosmo. At least I could treat myself to a good meal.
"Hey Marty! Over here."
"Hi guys."
They could see I was down.
"Why so glum?"
"It's that obvious?"
"Sure as hell is. What's happened? Girl friend got a bun in the oven"?
His remark was devastating. I really hadn't given any thought to the idea that somewhere out there I had fathered a young kid, who was waiting to be born. Aggie was right again. I had really changed. I was a sonofabitch. "Got to find a new place to live. There's not much around."
"Hey! Why not come back with us and live at Ma Rooney's."
"Hold it Cliff. Ma only rents to students," said Rick.
"Yeah but she's got that back room vacant that Jerry used to have."
"You might not like it though. Johnny. It's up by the University. It's a hell of a long way from your work."
"Look guys. I really need a place. Let's go see her. Besides, I'm going to University in September. Maybe that'll be good enough for her."
"What have we got to lose?"
As we entered the tall Victorian house, a well dressed lady in her mid-sixties came into the front hall.
"What's all the noise about? You know some of the boys are getting ready for their finals. You could show a little consideration."
"Mrs. Rooney, this is our friend John Martindale. He needs a place to live and we thought now that Jerry's gone, he could have his room."
"Why did you leave your last place Mr. Martindale?"
"His landlady died and they had to sell the house to settle an estate."
"Knowing you Stewart, I can imagine that's just another one of your lies."
"I don't go to University Mrs. Rooney. I work at the automobile factory."
"But he's going to start this fall, aren't you Marty?"
"Marty...he called you Marty."
"Yes Mam. That's what the guys call me."
"Are you going to University in September?"
"Yes I am. I've been working for the past five years, putting away the money so I could afford to go."
"Come along Marty, and I'll show you your room."
On the way upstairs she explained the rules of her house. She charged twenty dollars a week, which included breakfast. My bedroom was spacious. There was plenty of room to walk around the bed, and I had my own desk and clothes armoire. The rug was worn but clean. The mattress was firm. I'd forgotten what it felt like
to sleep on a level surface.
Living at Ma Rooney's was a pleasant experience. I was living for a change, not dying like I had been at Aggie's. On the way to work I was often tempted to revisit the dismal house on Davin Street. I wondered about Aggie and Liz. I decided it would be better to forget the past. Why risk opening old wounds.
When I was off work, I spent a great deal of time in the University library. I began studying the books which my friends were taking in their courses, and without realizing it, I was laying the foundation for the ideas which later would be the basis of my Freement philosophy.
I loved debating all sorts of subjects, but my most interesting areas were religion and ethics, and it took very little to get me going. Many of the discussions took place in our special corner at the Cosmo, and I was getting to be a regular guru, as far as the students were concerned.
One Saturday evening in the summer, we all went back to the Cosmo after playing ball. Some of the girls who hung around with the guys came along too. It was in the darkness of the Cosmo that I got involved in one of my most memorable debates. It happened when one of the guys tried to feel up one of the girls and she
slapped him soundly. This all happened long before the feminist thing had started.
"What the hell you do that for?"
"Keep your hands to yourself."
Everyone laughed self-consciously, knowing what was going on. As always, they looked towards me for mediation. I was about five years older than most of them.
"What's the problem Rick?"
"She says I'm trying to make her sin. Did you ever hear such crap?"
"There are a lot like her. People who are afraid."
"Afraid...of what...me?"
"Not just you. They're afraid of themselves. Afraid if they let themselves go, they might go all the way."
"Man that's for me. Where can I get a girl who'll go all the way?"
Stu was getting annoyed at Rick's flippancy. "Why don't you can it Rick and listen for a change? Go on Marty. Could be interesting."
"If I start to get too heavy, stop me."
They all studied my serious face, as they had done many times before.
"It all began with the fairy tale of two creatures who lived in a fantastic garden called Paradise. According to the story, they could have anything they wanted except the fruit from one tree. This was called the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil. Now I'm not going to tell you the whole story. You all know it. What bothers me about it, is that out of this story came what is known as 'Original Sin'. It is called original, because it was the first time man had committed sin."
"Don't you believe in Adam and Eve?" asked a young woman.
"Do you?"
"Of course. It had to start somewhere. And when you see all the evil in the world, there's no doubt man is capable of sinning."
"How many of you feel like she does?" I was surprised more than half of them put up their hands.
"It looks like I've got my work cut out for me. You've all bought the whole ball of wax. Don't you see how it all works. Start early enough in a child's life telling him he must acknowledge he is evil and needs God's forgiveness, and when he is old enough to think for himself, he is too frightened to think. He's been told that because of original sin, he is inherently evil and his whole life is a struggle to keep from sinning."
"But what's wrong with that? Isn't that what we see all around us."
"What is wrong with that, is that it is based on a myth."
"I don't get you Marty," said Rick.
"Man needed a reason to explain his mortality. He came up with the idea that dying is punishment for sin, original sin in Paradise, where no death existed before man disobeyed God."
"What makes you think your ideas are any better?"
"My ideas deal with the world as it is, not as we would like it to be."
One of the girls entered the discussion. "From the beginning of time man has believed in some form of creation story. There must have been a reason for it, or it would not have existed all this time."
"There was a reason for it. A very good reason. If man didn't set up some form of super creature to monitor man's conduct, society could never have been established."
"I don't understand."
"Belief in the supreme being, imposed restrictions on man's conduct, and belief in the existence of this power got into the very fabric of man's being. He even gave a name to this inner power. He called it a soul, and the watchdog who is with us all the time, he called conscience."
"But Marty, without conscience, you'd have no society."
"And with conscience, you have sin. And you said yourself, the world is full of it."
"Isn't that what being man is all about? Being able to make choices between good and evil...God and the devil."
"But that is not what man is. That is what society has made of man."
"How can you say that?"
"Most of you have studied some psychology. You must realize that the new born infant has no moral instincts. Where does it come from. It comes from those responsible for the child's social development. All the child has at birth is many needs which require satisfaction if it is going to survive. Not like other species who can fend for themselves from birth, the human infant must be fed, cleaned of its waste, given love and a feeling of, security, all things which can be provided only by those who have taken the responsibility for this child."
"Since the child has learned through behaviour reinforcement what is expected of it in the satisfaction of its basic needs, it also learns to transfer this behaviour in developing its moral conduct, doing what is condoned by significant people in its life, avoiding what is condemned. This is how the young human
becomes burdened with the concept of sin. This is how we give up our mental freedom."
"So you see, when I say it all began with original sin, I'm really saying, society functions on an ancient myth, which the so-called civilized world believes is absolutely essential to the right conduct of its people."
"And what would you do about it?" asked Rick.
"I'm going to change it."
"How?"
"I'm going to help men become free."
The young girl who had been the reason all of this began, asked a question.
"But how?"
"By helping people realize there is no such thing as sin. Man is born with needs, and his life is spent trying to satisfy these needs. It will be more difficult for you who have been brain washed under the influence of original sin, but hopefully
you will not put your children through this same crucible."
"Are you saying that man can exist without a conscience?"
"No. I believe firmly in a social conscience. I reject completely the need for a religious conscience. Our moral values change as we get older. I want people to learn to integrate their new experiences without measuring that experience against that of their childhood. Social conscience evolves with experience. If you can let this happen in your life without disturbing your mental health, you will become a mature, mentally free adult, and in my opinion, a better citizen than most of the double standard religious hypocrites who surround us."
When I finished, the young girl who had been in the shadows came up to me.
"That was wonderful... I've never heard you talk before. I'm Claire Gordon."
"Hi Claire. I'm John Martindale. They all call me Marty."

For your information you can view original art by William James Johnson by clicking here.