Freement by William James Johnson Chapter 7

The watchman at the gate told me Christmas week was stock taking time in the auto plant. A small staff of senior employees were taking inventory during the holiday season, while most of the workers were using the time off as part of their vacation. Applications were not being taken at this time. Seeing I was disappointed. he assured me I'd stand a good chance of being hired after the men got back to work.
"How about the other factories, the steel plant, and that place that stinks so much, where they make chemicals?"
"Same all over. Except for those who are paid extra to do the inventory, all the guys get time off at Christmas. But if you're looking for a factory job, take my advice. Try here first. The auto plants pay the best, and they really look after their guys."
"Thanks."
As I walked away, I glanced back over my shoulder at the plant. The factory was located on the river front. A conglomeration of bluish black piles of coal, and pale yellow pyramids of sand, and several large crates of varying sizes filled up the outdoor storage area, enclosed by high fences, topped with barbed wire. It looked more like a prison compound, than an industrial complex.
I took my time walking back to Aggie's, about five blocks away. Stopping in front of the Cosmo Hotel, a favourite eatery of the working crowd, I read the smorgasbord menu; prime rib roast, succulent milk fed pig, barbecued spareribs, Polish sausage,deep fried pickerel with shoestring potatoes.My mouth watered so much, part of the drool began to freeze on my lips. It was those days when you could have all you could eat for $2.50. Searching around in my pocket, I pulled out my last quarter.Reluctantly I left the vision of all that great sounding food and headed for home. I hated to face Aggie with the disappointing news, but I had no choice.
As I entered the dark hallway, I could see she had left her door partly opened. She rushed into the hall, before I could make it to my room. "Well. What's the good news?"
"No luck Aggie."
"They turned you down?"
"They're closed for stock taking over the holidays. Won't be hiring until after the new year."
"Damn it. .I knew that. Wonder why I didn't think of it."
"Sorry Aggie. Got to ask you to wait a little longer for your rent."
"Do I look worried?"
She followed me to my room, and closed the door behind her. "Kinda tough eh kid?"
"Sure is."
Digging into the wide pocket in the apron she was wearing, she pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to me.
"Here. I want you to have it."
"Thanks Aggie...but no thanks. You've helped me enough already."
"Come on take it. I'm not giving it to you. It's a loan until you get back to work. Besides, I think you're kinda cute."
With this said, she left my room.
Unzipping my jacket, I draped it over a chair, and dropped onto the ridiculous mattress which was so body worn. It was like Aggie, lots of miles on it, but it still gave some comfort. The way it sank in the middle, there was the uncomfortable feeling that once swallowed up by it, you might suffocate. It was the same feeling I was getting with Aggie's forced affection. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to start taking responsibility for my relationships. Being financially destitute. I didn't want to say anything to Aggie which would,jeopardize my survival.
During the following week I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She was still feeding me, and made no effort to get the rent. I hated this feeling of obligation. She could sense I was avoiding her.
"What the hell's happened kid? You're avoiding me like I had a dose or something."
"It's not you Aggie. It's this whole set up. I just can't be happy depending on you for everything."
"Have I ever complained?"
"No...never. That's part of it though. Honestly Aggie I feel like I'm your kept man."
"Jesus H Christ. It's that goddamned conscience of your's again ain't it?"
"I've tried Aggie. But it's no use. As much as I've enjoyed being with you. I can't stop feeling that the whole thing is wrong."
"You gotta give it time Johnny. You don't change like this over night. I can wait. All I ask, is that you let me help you."
"That's another thing I've got to change. I've got to start doing things for myself. Aggie please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want your help anymore."
The colour drained out of her face. Suddenly she began to look like the other deadbeat women who filled this big house.
"Don't want my help anymore...who the hell do you think you are. talking to me like that? Have I ever asked you for anything?"
"Aggie...you don't ask. You...just take. People have been taking me all my life, and it's got to stop."
Instead of getting angry, her face lit up again, and she placed her hands on my shoulders.
"See. I told you it would work. For once you're getting it off your chest. You're getting things under control just like ,you want. That's no reason to get rid of me. We're friends aren't we Johnny?"
"Yes, we're friends Aggie, but I think we've got to keep it at that."
"So we're right back to dirty old sex again. Well I don't care what you've told your narrow little mind. You enjoyed it as much as I did. I'm no retard. I know when a man's turned on, and I know what to do about it, and believe me kid, I gave you my best."
"Aggie please, don't take this the wrong way."
"Take your hands off me. For two cents I'd tell you to screw off. But I'm not like that. I said I'd help, you until you get settled on your own, and I keep my word. But you better believe it kid, you've hurt me more than you'll ever know."
I felt sorry for Aggie. She needed love desperately. She let me put my arms around her.
"I think you're a wonderful lady Aggie. Really I do. I just want you to know how badly I've been feeling because I can't repay you for all your loving kindness."
"Just being here is all I ask of you Johnny. I just want you to stay."
"I have no intention of running out on you..."
She retaliated with a deep sexual kiss. Poor, unfortunate, Aggie. She thought this was the only way to keep me. I didn't let it get out of hand this time. I told her I was going out, and I did.
It was Saturday evening, and the January sales were on. I roamed around downtown, watching the milling crowds hugging the buildings in sheep-like lines, to avoid the splashing slush of passing cars.
Standing in front of Kresges's, I watched the people waiting at the counters in Harold's, exchanging Christmas gifts. The old man allowed exchanges, but he wouldn't give anyone refunds. From across the street, I could see the shiny black hair of Judy at the perfume counter. I'd love to talk to her again, but I didn't know what would happen if I went back into that store.
A young girl, holding a religious tract, wearing a cloth coat and colourful kerchief, stood in a doorway of the dime' store. As I slowly walked past her she spoke.
"Would you like to know how you can have Christ as your personal saviour?"
She had a pleasant voice and an inviting smile.
"And if I do, what's in it for me?"
"You will spend all eternity in Heaven with him. You can be one of the chosen."
"Are you one of the chosen?"
"If it's God's will."
"You really believe there's a God?"
"Certainly. Everyone should believe in God."
A small group of nine or ten people were gathering, listening to our exchange. I could see the young zealot was beginning to feel uneasy. I was very bitter about my religious experience at Amston, and I still resented Aggie's exploitation of my dependence. I found myself wanting to ridicule this young girl, to get even with the whole system which had caused me so much grief.
"I suppose you also believe everything that's in the bible?"
"Of course I do. The bible is the revealed Word of God."
"Then how can you say you believe in God, when the bible says there is no God."
"I don't understand what you mean."
"Of course you don't. You and your kind are programmed to spout pat answers, but when it comes to debating a religious issue, you show your ignorance."
Our audience was wondering what I was getting at. More people had stopped to listen to me. It felt good saying these things. A policeman approached when he saw we were blocking the entrance to Kresges's.
"All right you. Move along. I don't want any trouble on my beat."
"I'm not going anywhere. I have as much right to stand here and spout my beliefs as she does."
The girl eased her way through the crowd, and went further up the street, and stopped in front of another building. One of the spectators urged me to follow her and continue my debate. The crowd came along with me.
"Don't you want to hear the rest of my argument?"
"Please. I'm not here to argue. I just want to give people the message of Christ. If you don't want to be helped, I won't help you."
"Jesus Christ. Everybody wants to help me. Let me help you for a change. You said you believed in the bible, and I say the bible says there is no God."
"I'm not familiar with that text."
"Of course not. The quotation says, 'The fool has said in his heart, there is no God'. Changes the meaning doesn't it?"
"Yes it does."
"Yet there are thousands of you so called bible punchers doing just that, taking phrases out of the bible, out of context, and interpreting the word of God to suit yourselves."
The policeman arrived again. "Look. I thought I told you people to go. Now let's break this thing up before I give you a citation for disturbing the peace."
"If I go, she's got to go."
"Look Miss, you've had a tough night. Why not call it quits until another time. This guy's not going to leave you alone."
She looked back at me as she put her religious tracts into a small brief case.
"I'll pray for you."
If that cop hadn't been there, I'm not sure what I would have done. My roommate at Amston always ended our debates by threatening to pray for me.
Walking away, I felt miserable inside. There was no justification for attacking this sincere young girl like that. I hated myself, feeling intense remorse as I wandered back home alone.
Entering my room by the side porch I avoided another confrontation with Aggie. Exhausted by all this inner conflict, I passed out on my bed.
Something heavy pressing down on me, suffocating me, awakened me from my fitful sleeping. Laughing hysterically, my drunken landlady buried me in the deep depression of this godforsaken mattress. I struggled to get out, but I was unable to
budge the dead weight on top of me.
"So my lover boy came back. Good old Johnny. It's me kid. Your ever loving Aggie."
She must have been drinking ever since I left. The stench from her breath was sickening. Grabbing me around the neck she forced her mouth on mine and slobbered all over my face. Her attempts to kiss me were disgusting.
"What's wrong sweetie? Don't you love little Aggie no more? Don't bother getting pissed off about me drinking. You're the one who made me do it. I've been doin real good with my drinking until you hit me with that bomb today. Why did you do it Johnny?..why did you hurt me so..."
She began to cry, her body rising and falling on top of me. I could taste the salt of her tears as she held me trapped under her heaving form.
Aggie was blaming me. Everyone blamed me when something went wrong. My father almost killed me because of Ruthy. My confessor lied about me because he wanted to continue exploiting me. Now Aggie was blaming me for her drinking.
"Please Aggie. Let me get up. You're hurting me."
"I couldn't hurt you enough after the way you treated me today. What you called me and all. I told you I would try not to love you, but Jesus kid, I couldn't help it. I do love you, and I don't want to lose you."
"Go to bed Aggie. We'll talk about it tomorrow after you've had a good rest."
"I don't want to go to bed without you Johnny. Don't send me away. Please don't...I need you tonight like you needed me on Christmas Eve. Let me stay. I'll be good."
"Okay. You can stay, but please don't ask me to make love. I'm dead tired."
"That's my Johnny. You're not such a bad kid. Yes honey I'll stay with you. You like me Johnny, but you don't love me. That's okay. I understand. Will you help me get undressed?"
The top two buttons had already pulled open, or maybe they had never been done up. She pulled the dress over her head and stood there in her slip. It was all she had on. Her body had lost all its tone. Loose masses of flesh waved as she moved.
I helped her roll into the bed and I moved in beside her. That cursed bed had only one direction, which brought Aggie and I closer together despite my efforts to ignore her. She began playing with me until I felt all my energy throbbing in my groin.
Opening up her full bodied thighs, I slipped into the well worn groove and heard her purring as she drifted into a drunken stupor.
When morning came, we were still pressed together. Aggie had a self satisfied expression on her face, as she slept soundly. Outside I could hear the ringing of church bells. It was Sunday morning.
I left my room to go out and watch the people walking to church. I wanted to go in, and ask for forgiveness but I didn't have the courage to end my sin. I was still trying Aggie's way, and the more I tried it, the easier it became. I had to keep God out of my mind. Tomorrow I would try again to get a job at the auto plant.

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