Freement by William James Johnson Chapter 6

Snow had been falling since early morning. It was Christmas eve in Chathurst. Along Davin Street the coloured lights sparkled in all directions. The glorious night enhanced the miraculous birthday of God made man. Hundreds of years ago, in a humble stable, a tiny babe changed the world.

This was my first Christmas away from home. Sitting alone in this manger of a room, I thought of the new born infant wrapped in loose bands of cloth, lying on jagged straw. The straw made me remember that night in the barn with Donna. Still burdened with the scruples implanted at Amston, I quickly dismissed this memory of her warmth. The image of Christ tortured on the cross, took the place of my first love. If he was God, why did he endure such a horrible death? From such a humble beginning, he deserved a nobler end. The cross is such a cruel reminder of man's
inhumanity to man. It is all so unjust.

Injustice had brought me to this bleak manger, no promise of shepherds or wise men to lessen the pain of loneliness. Fear of my father's wrath when he learned of my curiosity with Ruthy made me lie. Am I really so full of sin?

The falling snow no longer seemed beautiful. In my depression. I saw it as a way of concealing evil. It was a blanket of purity blotting out the world's filth. It was the priest's hypocritical smile, when he had molested me, then asked for permission to continue to help me. How much of what had happened had been caused by me? The nuns taught us it is not a sin unless there is full knowledge of the act, and full consent. Was I sinful, or was I the victim of circumstances?

My examination of conscience was interrupted by a knocking at my door. It opened, and there stood Aggie, beaming, with a sprig of holly against her red velvet dress.

"We're ready to start the party. You coming, or are you gonna stay here in the dark, feeling' sorry for yourself?"

"Give me a few minutes to freshen up. Be right in."

Everyone stood up when I entered Aggie's living room. Six women in their early fifties or older, had obviously put on their best dresses for this Christmas celebration. In her early forties, Aggie was the youngest.

"Ladies, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the newest member of our family, Johnny Martindale."

As everyone applauded, I took the chair beside Aggie. In the corner of the room, stood a skimpy tree on a table, decorated with cotton batting and a silver cord made from discarded tin foil of cigarette packs.

"I told the girls about your hard luck, losing your job and all, and they insisted they fix up a few presents for you."

"You shouldn't have. Aggie...you know I don't have anything to give them."

"Stop complaining. They want to give you something. Isn't that what Christmas is all about?"

As each lady brought her small gift from under the tree and gave it to me, Aggie introduced them.

"Dora's been with me the longest. Ain't that right Dora?"

"That's right. When my George was killed, Aggie was the only friend I had."

"That was a long time ago Dora. This is Christmas. Time for happy memories."

Dora had knitted me a pair of socks. Must've taken her a long time to make something as personal as this for a perfect stranger.

"Thanks Dora. They're really nice."

"Well don't just shake hands. Give the lady a kiss. It's Christmas."

I didn't like the way Aggie assumed she could manage my life like this, but I realized these strangers wanted to generate a friendly feeling for themselves as well as for me. I gave Dora a quick kiss on the cheek.

"That's more like it." said Aggie. continuing to bring me small gifts and presenting each lady. There was Mable. Irene. Violet. Grace. and Vanessa. Their presents were all handmade, except the gloves from Vanessa.

"Try them on. If they're too small. I can always exchange them."

I pulled them on. "They're fine. They fit very well. But you really shouldn't have bought them."

"They weren't much. Besides. I'm not like the other girls. I've never been very good working with my hands."

"This is really great what you've all done. I hope next Christmas I'll be in better shape. and be able to repay your kindness. I was ready to spend this time alone. but all of you with your friendliness have made this a memorable Christmas."

"You ain't seen nothin yet. We'd better get on with the party before you have us crying' in our beer. Dora, come to the kitchen, and help me get the wine and goodies."

Sitting there, surrounded by these sad people with their forced smiles gnawed at my heart. The room was filled with many lifetimes. No one asked me about my family. I guessed Aggie had briefed them about it.

Aggie had several water glasses filled with wine on a TV table she was using as a tray. "Help yourselves to the wine, but wait until I propose a toast. This being Christmas and all, I think it's only right we toast the newest member of our family. Here's to Johnny, and may you have many more happy times ahead."

They clinked glasses and said my name. Aggie kept referring to me as family. I didn't know how to tell her how painful it was hearing this, knowing my own family were probably sick with worry, wondering what had happened to me. I could see Aggie expected me to reply to her toast.

"Aggie! You and all the ladies have started those happy times tonight. Let me extend my best wishes to all of you, and tell you how much I appreciate this chance to share Christmas with you "

"I'll drink to that", said Aggie.

Returning to the kitchen, she brought a gallon jug of wine, and filled the glasses again. I didn't tell her this was my first experience with drinking. It tasted slightly bitter, but the warm feeling bubbling inside gave me a pleasant glow.
Finishing the gallon, Aggie and Dora came back into the room with a case of beer.
"Here we are girls. Gotta keep a good thing goin'. Help me open them will you Johnny?"

A bottle of beer foamed up and bubbled over my hands, making them sticky. I kept it for myself, passing out the others to the ladies who were now getting louder.

Vanessa struck her bottle with a spoon to get their attention.

"Si..ilent Night. Ho..oly Night."

Every time we got to the end, Aggie would wave her hands in front of us, and shout the first word in our faces, starting us all over again. Dora relieved the monotony, by catching Aggie off guard with the opening bars of "No.oh el, No..oh el."

My stomach swelled like homemade bread. A volcano was seething inside of me. I tried to hide the way I felt, but it couldn't last. Somewhere in the midst of the "Little Town of Bethlehem", I keeled over the table in the corner and knocked the
skimpy tree to the floor. Suddenly I was in Bethlehem, and there was no room in the Inn. The putrid smell of wine rose up from my shirt when I came to. In the distance I could faintly hear Aggie talking.

"He's gonna be okay. John! Can you hear me son?"

I didn't like her calling me son. Aggie Conway, my alcoholic landlady was calling me son. It was Christmas eve, and I was alone in this crowd, and she kept calling me son. I couldn't hold back any longer. I began crying. My legs folded under me as Aggie led me from the room. The humiliation was unbearable. I seemed to be a screw up, no matter what I did.

Drowsy and dejected I sat on the edge of my bed while Aggie took off my shoes. The alcohol didn't seem to bother her. She was very sympathetic as she spoke softly.

"Guess that goes to prove, you shouldn't mix your drinks."

"I've never had a drink before Aggie. I'm sorry I busted up your party."

She began unbuttoning my shirt.

"We'd better get this smelly thing off. Stinks like hell. Don't worry about the girls. They'll hardly miss us."

She had enough sense to leave the light off when she brought me in. I didn't feel as embarrassed in the dark. Taking a cloth, she wet it and wiped the smelly stickiness from my chest. Her hands felt wonderful against me. I hungered for some closeness.

"Jesus kid. You got a terrific body. Lots of muscle. You could easily pass for over twenty."

I didn't try to hurry her, as she fondled the muscles of my arms, taking her time with her self-appointed task.

"You should try and get on at one of the car factories. They tell me they're hiring now. Pay's damn good too. Don't worry about money though. You can stay on here. I ain't gonna press you for the rent. And as far as eating's concerned, I'd like ya to eat with me. I hate eating' alone." She continued passing the face cloth over me as she spoke.

"God you're good looking. Lots of hearts gonna be broken before you're through. In fact, if I was twenty years younger, I'd have a go at you myself."

Aggie must have been very attractive in her day. Now plumper than she liked to be, in her red velvet party dress she looked real nice. I watched her as she stood looking out the window, the reflections of coloured lights on the snow bouncing light back into her dreamy eyes. At forty-two, Aggie did look twenty years younger tonight. Even her full body showed promise as it moved under the red velvet dress.

My head was still spinning. I was afraid to close my eyes, because I didn't want Aggie to leave. I couldn't stand being alone tonight.

"There are lots of girls in their twenties would like to look as nice as you do tonight. You're a wonderful lady Aggie."

My words moved her. Her ample breasts, outlined by the evening light coming in the window, moved tightly against her party dress. She came back to the bed and sat beside me.

"You're real sweet kid. Too bad you've been hurt so much along the way."

She put my hand in hers and placed it in her lap. I could feel her thighs through the velvet, firmer than I had expected. Bending over me, her breast brushed against my face. Annoyed at the sprig of holly she had pinned on her dress, she pulled if off and threw it on the floor. My head throbbed in anticipation. The faint smell of wine on her breath when she kissed me was pleasant, like the first taste of a forbidden fruit. It was a hungry kiss. Her whole body quivered with passion from months of frustration. The elegant red velvet dress was soft against my bare chest. Reaching behind, she unzipped it, letting it fall beside my bed. She stood up and dropped her underwear on top of the dress. When she came back to bed, we got under the covers now warmed by our caressing.

Soon I was swallowed up by the wonders of Aggie and my first Christmas away from home. I must tell her to stop calling me son. Making love with a woman who calls you son doesn't do much for a guy who already has his share of hangups.

I awakened in the middle of the night to be sick again. My stomach burned like I had been poisoned. Not wanting to bring up in bed, I darted to the basin in the corner, stabbing my foot on the prickly holly Aggie had thrown on the floor. I wasn't sure when she had left. All I knew was she had left me physically exhausted.

Not only my body rebelled at the treatment I had given it, my conscience also was in great turmoil over what I had done. I always seemed to be sinning in retrospect.

The acrid smell of vomited beer and wine rose up from the basin and mixed with the torments of my guilt. I fell back onto my bed, sinking into the hollow of the mattress where I had felt the weight of Aggie's eager body pressing me into hell. Instead of the pains of fire in the depths, there was the joy of satiated desire. How could something which felt so good be so bad?

Why was it there always seemed to be someone making me sin? If they made me sin, then it wasn't a sin after all. I was innocent. and they seduced me. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I wanted Aggie as much as she wanted me. I deliberately said things to make her know I desired her. If I believed what the Church teaches, I had just committed a mortal sin, and if I should die in this spiritual state without forgiveness, I would spend eternity in hell.

Would Christ recognize his teachings if he came back and saw the evil done in his name throughout the centuries? I was trying desperately to make my actions acceptable, but there was this constant gnawing in my heart that it was wrong to enjoy these physical pleasures of life. If it felt wrong, I was taught to believe it was wrong. It was a serious sin. Oh how I enjoyed Aggie. Even now. remorse or not. I was ready to sink again between her fleshy thighs and feel the comforting warmth of her naked legs entwining mine.

God only knows all we did together was give each other love. But I didn't love Aggie. I just loved doing it with her. Being inside her made me feel like someone really cared. Exhausted, I stopped rationalizing and let my mind take me again deep into the warm loving body of my new friend.

When I awoke, the sun was shining brightly on Christmas day. Still feeling miserable. I had finally gotten my stomach under control. Sourness from the basin I had used hung heavily in the room. Filled with disgust at the mess I had made around the basin, I pulled on my trousers and a jacket. and slipped into my shoes. I took the basin outside onto the side porch, and wiped it out with snow. I wanted to clean up before any of the ladies saw what I was doing. Rubbing some of the soft flakes on my face, I felt refreshed.

Aggie was making my bed when I came back into my room. She was startled by my unexpected entry. "God kid! You making a practice of scaring hell outa me? I thought you were gone for the day. What've you been doing with that basin?"

I put it back on the corner table. and tried to avoid looking at Aggie. Seeing her again was destroying me with guilt.

"Hey Johnny. What's wrong son?"

"Would you stop calling me son. I'm not your son Aggie."

"Jesus aren't we in a great mood today."

"I'm sorry Aggie...I've got problems."

"You can say that again."

Aggie looked younger and fresher than I had ever seen her before. Her hair was pulled up in an attractive style, and she had used a little makeup to accentuate her sensuous mouth which had given me so much pleasure.

"Take off your jacket and come on over here and sit down. Maybe it would
help if we talked."

"I haven't anything on under my ,jacket."

As soon as I said it. I felt silly. She had seen me completely naked, and now I was pretending I didn't want to show her my bare chest.

"Oh that's the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"Morning after remorse."

"Guess your right."

"Of course I'm right. You enjoyed it last night and now you're gonna punish yourself."

Aggie's down to earth wisdom impressed me.

"That's about it."

"Sure it is. I don't know who the hell screwed you up so much inside, but one thing I do know, you gotta smarten up, or you're gonna go nuts."

"It's my conscience Aggie. I feel what I did with you was a sin."

"That's a crock. What we did is what two friendly humans with any sense of compassion would be glad to do. We shared ourselves. I'm not stupid enough to think that because we made out together that means we are in love. It was wonderful. You were wonderful. What you did last night...what we did, made this one of the great Christmases in my life."

"But you're the first woman I've ever done that with."

"What the hell. You saying you were a virgin?"

"No. Not exactly."

"I didn't think so. Then what do you mean I was the first woman?"

"You're the first grown woman."

"So you've done some sporting around with younger chicks?"

I hated her tact1essness.

"Why do you deliberately say things you know will embarrass me?"

"Well you better get over being embarrassed. That's the way I am. I don't believe in pussyfooting around. That's how I finally got rid of that bastard husband of mine. I spoke up for once, and told him what I really thought. You've got to learn to do the same thing Johnny. No more holding it in. You expect to get rid of this nonsense that's in your head, you gotta feel free to say what's gotta be said."

"Then you don't think what we did last night was a sin?"

"Jesus... I can't ever remember meeting such a priest-ridden kid. I suppose you believe that cock and bull story about eternal damnation and all. The way I figure it, religion was invented to keep dumb folks under control. The only thing it was ever good for, was scaring the hell outa people. You've gotta grow up Johnny. Get rid of all that crap that's filling up your insides."

"But don't you believe in God?"

"I had to when I was a little girl growing up. I was force fed the same garbage as you. It was like a chain letter that threatens you if you break the chain."

"But I can't understand how you can just put God out of your life."

"I was trapped just like you. Trapped by my own conscience. It's inside of you, and only you can get rid of it."

"Get rid of conscience?"

"Of course. What good is it? It only smothers you with guilt after you've done something you would've done anyway. You gotta get rid of it."

"But how?"

"Simple enough. Do what you want to do, if you really want to do it, and stop examining your insides after you've done it. If you don't go at it this way, the goddamn voice inside will plague you until you're in your grave."

"That sounds pretty cold blooded to me. What kind of world would we have if everyone acted 1ike that? "

"There would be a lot more honesty. People are so screwed up by religion, they end up living two different lives. On the outside they pay lip service to all that religious bull, and on the inside they want to give in to their real selves. but they are scared shitless."

"I'd like to believe what you're saying Aggie. It makes so much sense. But you're right. I'm scared stiff. I'm not sure I can do it."

"I'll help you. We can help each other. And about last night, stop punishing yourself. We were real good to each other. I hope you'll want to enjoy more of me as time goes on. You have no idea how hard it is wanting to be a part of someone else, and there's no one there."

I put my arm around her and kissed her deeply, her searching tongue penetrating me like I wanted to do with her. She pulled off my jacket, and saw the swelling in my trousers. Her skilled hand touched me, then squeezed me. How was it I didn't mind Aggie doing this, but when my father confessor did it, I was so
violently repulsed?

My conscience was screaming it was all wrong. Soon we were back in bed, the bright sun letting me see the beautiful pink flesh of this sensuous woman. Her mouth warmed my entire body, and when it came time to melt into her, it was a slippery path into hell.

"Please be good to me Johnny. It's been a long time since anyone has been rea1ly good to me."


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