Freement by William James Johnson Chapter 11

The next day Mac turned up the pressure on me at work. Tom Willis saw him hurrying my way. He had warned me about Mac, and seeing him heading for me, mouthed the words, "I told you so."
"Good morning Johnny. The good Lord blessed us with another beautiful day."
"Yeah Mac. It's pretty nice."
"Did you pray this morning my boy?"
"No I didn't. I really didn't think about it."
"But you must. Daily prayer keeps you aware of God, and it starts your day with his Divine help. Now come on. Together. Let's join in a small prayer."
Before I could stop him, he closed his eyes, and began praying. Tom Willis nodded, indicating he had been right in what he had said about Mac.
"Blessed Jesus, I come to you blackened by the sin of doubt. Forgive us merciful Lord, and grant that my young friend Johnny might be given the faith to know and serve you, the Son of God. Have mercy on us dear Lord, and help us to gain Heaven with your saving grace." Opening his eyes, Mac smiled and grabbed me by the arm.
"There. Now isn't that a better way to start your day?"
"Thanks Mac. That was nice. Now I really must catch up."
"And every morning, we'll say a little prayer together."
He hurried away with a victorious grin. I have no doubt Mac was convinced he had won another soul for Jesus. Tom Willis left his place on the assembly line to speak to me.
"Was that Mac's morning offering I just saw?"
"Nothing wrong I guess with saying a little prayer."
"I told you. The bastard's got you hooked. And believe me, once Mac's got you on the line, there's no gettin' away. It's like I told you. Some guys even quit their jobs rather than be manipulated by that sonofabitch."
"Don't worry Tom. I can handle Mac. I'm just playing along with his little game."
"You might think it's a game. But Burney plays for keeps. Believe me."
With that he returned to his job and shouted over the noise "Believe me."
I continued going to the City of God and Liz and I had become very good friends. What began as a physical attraction had become a challenge for me to try to wean this vulnerable young woman from what I could see was the diabolical influence Mac was having in her life. She in turn was doing her utmost to convince me Mac had a special gift from God. Despite her belief in him, she was still unable to go forward and confess. We got into an argument about it.
"There's no reason in the world why you should feel you've got to make a public confession of your sins."
"But Johnny Mac says that's the only way we can possibly change our lives. We must witness before God and our fellow men. Until we go through this humbling experience, we remain trapped in the sinful life we have chosen."
"Can't you see what he's doing? He scares the Hell out of someone in the audience, and to avoid Mac's damnation, the poor victim will do anything to avoid it, including Mac's ridiculous demand for public confession. Once he confesses all his
imperfections, he becomes a pawn of Mac Burney, and all the other crazies who have humiliated themselves publicly. Liz, you've got to see through this nonsense and get out of it while you can."
"You scare me when you talk like this. Reverend Burney is right. The devil works in strange ways, and he is using you to do his evil work. Oh Johnny. Don't risk your soul by denying God."
"Mac feels that anyone who thinks for himself is doing the devil's work. I'll be honest with you Liz. I don't know what I believe. I'm not sure I have a soul, or there is a God."
She dropped to her knees and began praying aloud. "Lord Jesus, forgive my friend Johnny. Come into his heart and help him know the joy of your saving grace."
"Stop it Liz. Stop praying for me. You're even beginning to sound like him. I don't need your prayers. If God wants me, he'll let me know."
"Oh Johnny. Did you hear what you said? You said if God wants you. You do believe don't you?"
"I don't know Liz. Really I don't know."
"Then promise me, you'll keep coming to Mac's church. That you'll ask God for his help, so that someday, you and I will have the grace to confess and be saved."
"I'll promise you one thing. I'll try Liz. It's all I can do. I'll try."
At work Mac spent long hours explaining all the plans he had for me. If I would come forward and confess. He wanted to open other churches based on the principle of public confession, and he was certain I could become an excellent preacher.
"I'll train you my boy to develop your imagination so that when 'you preach about hell fire, they'll think you were born and raised there. Oh Johnny! There's a terrific future in soul saving. And I know you've got it. I feel it here in my heart. In many ways, you are the son I never had."
"It's strange you should say that Mac. I've never given much thought about your personal 1ife. I really don' t know anything about it."
"It's a sad story. I don't like to burden anyone with those bad times."
"If you'd rather not..."
"I'll tell you son, because I trust you. There's not many who know about the torment I have endured."
"I would like to know. Honest."
"I want you to understand , we were only kids when we fell in love. I know you think I'm hard hearted, but I was in love once. Margaret was a beautiful girl. Too beautiful for her own good."
"In what way?"
"All the men liked her, and I didn't realize it, but she had an eye for them. Several months after we were married she told me she was pregnant. I was overjoyed. But unfortunately it changed Maggie. She became very distant. Seldom spoke to me. And when she did, there was bitterness in her voice. Then one night when I came in from the afternoon shift. I found the harlot in bed with one of the men from the plant. It turned out he was the father of our unborn child, not me. We had a terrible fight. The devil took control of me and I couldn't stop punishing this evil man. I broke his nose before he got out of there, covered in blood. It was terrible. Then I turned on my lovely, faithless Maggie and beat her within an inch of her life. I was in a living hell. You see now don't you why I don't talk about my past life. Satan takes control and man cannot make it alone. Realizing what a sinful thing, I had done, I fell on my knees begging forgiveness. It was then Maggie cursed me and my God. She lost the baby, and I lost Maggie. If it hadn't been for God's loving grace, I would have been destroyed. So you see Johnny, that's why I have such great plans for you. You've got to come forward and confess. God loves you son."
I didn't like him calling me son. Aggie still did it. I resented people taking such liberties with me.
"I can't do it Mac. I'm not ready."
"I know that my boy. I'm not forcing you. When it comes to saving souls it takes time and God's grace. I've got all the time in the world, and when God decides the time is right, I know you'll come forward."
Mac was serious about me being a part of his organization, and his continuous pressure was wearing me down. It was not that I had a change of heart. I began feeling hypocritical leading him on the way I did, but I was now sure that if I stopped going to his church, I would lose Liz. She was deeply involved in the
change that was being brought about by associating with these religious masochists, who bared their souls nightly in the old Grotto Theatre.
I had been attending Mac's services on a regular basis and had stopped seeing my friends at the Cosmo. I persuaded Liz to skip Mac's service and come for supper at my old stamping ground.
The dimly lit Cosmo was doing a roaring business around its smorgasbord. In darkened corners, university students discussed their assignments and tried to solve the world's problems.
"Hey Marty. Where you been keeping' yourself?"
"Hi guys. Been busy. Like you to meet Lizbet Teil."
"Hi Liz. Hey man. She's real cool."
He scrambled about the table, blowing off cigarette ashes and straightening up the bottles of beer. Liz took the chair she was offered but remained unmoved by the effusiveness of my friends.
"What kinda busy?
Liz surprised me by replying. "John's been going to church in the evenings with me."
A loud roar went up in the darkened corner. "Are you kidding? You couldn't get him near a church."
"Knock it off fellows."
"Is that the straight goods? You been going to church instead of hanging out at the old Cosmo?"
"That's right."
"But it can't be. Not after what you told us about your ideas of sin, and everything."
"What ideas?" interrupted Liz.
"Go ahead Marty. Tell her what you told us. There ain't no such thing as sin."
"Is this true Johnny?"
"I've told you how I feel about all this Liz."
"But you told them there was no such thing as sin. How could you do that?"
"What I told them, is that I believe man is incapable of sin, because he's not free."
"But you've heard all those people confessing their sins at the City of God. Are you saying they haven't sinned?"
"Go on Marty. Tell her the whole thing like you told us."
"Do you really want me to do this Liz?"
"Of course. I want to hear it all."
They all pulled their chairs closer and waited intently, the smiles having disappeared when they realized how upset Liz had become.
"We're taught that the morality of man's actions depends upon his freedom to choose between right and wrong. It is man's free will and intelligence which are supposed to make him different from other animals. But I'm convinced man is not free to choose evil..."
"But he does. You've seen him do it. You've done it yourself," said Liz with great emotion.
"I disagree. What man does, that appears evil to others, is not evil to himself. No matter what man does, he does it because he is trying to satisfy a need in his life. If he chooses a course of action which society condemns, he is accused by society of being a criminal or a sinner. But it is society which is to blame. It is the social environment which creates the need. Society should carry the burden of guilt for man's actions."
"But Johnny. What about Hell?"
"The only Hell that will ever exist, will be the Hell man let's others conjure up in his mind."
"I believe Hell exists. Reverend Burney has told us all about it."
"This is even more reason why I believe you are not free to choose evil. To do so, would be to risk suffering in Mac's Hell for all eternity. Man cannot do anything as irrational as that. If you truly believe in the existence of Hell as you say, you are not free to sin. To believe such a horrible consequence as eternal damnation is possible, you have only one choice. You must do what is good. Now we know that many continue to choose the unethical course of action. They must be doing it because, first of all they do not see it to be wrong at the time of their choosing, or they do not really believe they are putting their soul in jeopardy by so called sinning."
"But Johnny, if you say that man has no free will. you are saying that he is just like the other animals."
"Precisely. Man is nothing but an animal who has an acute awareness of his environment but is lacking in natural instincts to react according to this environment without first considering the consequences. Education has done this to man. Education and socialization. It has freed him from his animal nature only to create more difficult problems for him."
"Please stop Johnny. I'm all mixed up. I don't like it when you talk this way."
"This is the real John Martindale you're hearing," added one of the students.
"God I'd give anything to see you in action in Marshall's class."
"Who is Marshall?" asked John.
"A female psychologist at the University. Got all the answers at her finger tips. She's written a few books. Doesn't go much for personal opinion. You and her would have a great time."
"I'm going to University someday."
"You should. With your brain, it'd be a snap."
Lizbet was visibly upset by our discussion and asked me to take her home. She withdrew when I tried to kiss her. I asked her if she wanted me to take her to church the next evening, but she told me I needn't bother.
At work the next morning, Mac seemed to press me even more. I didn't know if Liz had spoken to him, or if he was growing impatient with my reluctance to take an active part in the City of God.
"I'm worried about you Johnny."
"Why is that Mac?"
"You've been coming to church for several months now and I still haven't seen any real change in you."
"I told you, I need time."
"I think it's something else."
"Like what?"
"Your past. God tells me there is something in your past that is keeping you from making a commitment."
"I don't know what it could be."
"You're going to have to be honest with yourself first if you expect God's grace to find a place in your heart."
"I'm trying Mac. I pray each day with you, and I go to church almost every night."
"I know. I know...but there's something there that's not quite right."
"Please Mac. I don't want to discuss it any more."
"It was the reason you left home, and stopped going to church wasn't it?"
"It's too personal Mac. I'm not going to discuss it."
"But son. Remember how I told you about the torment I went through. It took me a long time to get the courage to bare my soul to you. Now is the chance for you to free yourself of that event in your life which is bearing down on your heart. Trust me my boy. You know you can trust me."
Aggie was the only other person who knew about the priest at Amston. Telling her had not really lightened the burden. Maybe this holy man, if he was a holy man, could help me.
"Okay Mac. I'll tell you. But you've got to promise you'll never tell anyone else."
"My sacred word...I'11 even cross my heart."
"It happened at a boys' school."
"A private school?"
" It's what is called a prep school. Young guys go there in preparation for entering the seminary to study for the priesthood."
"You were going to be a priest?"
"That's what I thought."
"See. I was right all along. I knew I spotted something special in you. Oh my boy, someday you'll save souls. I just know it."
"One of the practises they had at the school, was weekly confession."
"Like we do in the City of God?"
"At the school, confession was done in private, to a priest."
"The Catholic way?"
"That's right."
"And I take it something happened to you in confession?"
"It did."
"Well go on."
"I was telling my confessor about a personal problem I was having with impure actions."
"Now wait a minute. What are impure actions?"
"You know. I would touch myself sexually, and get aroused."
"You mean you were jacking off and you felt guilty about it."
"I guess that's another way of putting it."
"But what was so bad about that? Most young men, experience that sort of thing."
"But this priest did something to me."
"He what...?"
"He put his hand on my groin and molested me while I knelt before him, humbling myself."
"Oh my God. No wonder it has been so hard for you to come forward. Oh my poor, poor Johnny. What a filthy creature the man must've been."
"He had been very nice until that happened. As I look back, I feel sorry for him. But I have to admit, that one experience has changed my life."
"In what way?"
"I ran away from the school, but I was afraid to go home.
They would never believe me at home. My parents put priests on pedestals. Someone to look up to. So I came to Chathurst and that's that."
"You've got to come forward and tell the others Johnny."
"No way Mac. This is our secret. I couldn't stand and make such a public confession. I just couldn't."
"Don't you worry my boy. I'll ask God to help you. He'll show us the way."
When the whistle sounded to end the shift, I was relieved. Mac wanted to give me a ride home, but I had been listening to him all day. There was no way I wanted to continue talking about making a public confession.
That night I sat near the door of the City of God, anxious to intercept Liz when she would come in. The time dragged as Mac went through his preliminaries. Liz had not come. I was becoming fidgety as I put in time, hoping any moment she would enter. It was then I was shocked into attention as I heard Mac speaking.
"And I have asked God to guide me through this most ...difficult time. I learned today about a cruel sin which has kept one of our faithful from coming forward, and despite the fact I gave him my word that I would keep his sin secret, God has spoken in my heart that he will not hold me to my promise, because more
good will come out of this experience, if I share it with you my loyal brethren."
"There is a young man in our midst, who was corrupted by a man of the Church. And when I say Church. I mean the Catholic Church."
I couldn't believe what Mac was saying. He couldn't have been talking about anybody else but me, and what happened at the school.
"While this innocent young man confessed his sins of the flesh, his father confessor molested him and tried to get him to participate in his sin with him. Can you imagine the tremendous shock this would cause an immature youth, as he humbled himself in the most intimate relationship with God. Confession is absolutely essential if we seek forgiveness. Come forward my boy. Come here and tell all your friends you are sorry and ask for God's forgiveness."
I was so enraged by Mac's betrayal of my confidence, I barely noticed Liz entering the darkened hall. My face was burning as I remained perfectly still, trying to control my devastated emotions.
"I'm calling you John Martindale. Come forward dear boy and let the grace of Almighty God cleanse you for all eternity." Burney descended the stairs and came towards me in the dark.
"Come son. God is waiting."
"How could you do such a thing?"
"It's the only way. Humble yourself before God and man, and be washed in the Blood of the Lamb."
I stood up and followed him like a sheep to slaughter. Everyone waited on the edge of their seats to hear the lurid details hinted at by Mac. My heart pounded so loudly, I was sure they could hear it at the back of the hall. Mac sat down and the
spotlight was turned on me.
"You have no idea how difficult this is for me. I know you are eagerly awaiting for me to tell you how corrupt the Catholic Church is. No church is perfect, and the Catholic Church has had dark days. Religion cannot be perfect because it is the invention of man not God. There is no God, and you are fools to believe there is. Believe me my friends there is no darkness like that which takes place in this carnival every night. How can you intelligent people allow this egomaniac, Mac Burney, to manipulate you the way he does? His invented pictures of Hell come from a crazed mind. Free yourselves from this diabolical monster. Clear your minds..."
My sermon was interrupted by two large thugs who dropped the curtain on my performance and lunged at me, intent on causing bodily harm.
"Not here," said Mac. "Do it in the alley."
As I tried to pull away, I was given a crippling blow in the groin which sent electrical charges to my chest and head. My feet banged down the few stairs as they pulled me into the alley. The first bodyguard held me around the chest, in a full nelson, while the second thug smashed me in the solar plexus. I felt my heart being thrust upwards under my chin. Then my head was battered left and right several times until I could feel the warmth of my own blood running into my throat. They dropped me and kicked me again while I was down. Then it was all blackness.
I have no idea how long I had been in the alleyway. I came to as Liz and a taxi driver carried me to the open door of his cab. My eyes closed again as I felt the cool touch of her hands on my head. When I awoke, Aggie was standing beside my bed.
"I wanted them to take you to emergency and get some x-rays but your girl friend said you wouldn't want that. Jesus kid. They could've killed you."
"I'll be okay now Aggie. I hurt all over. You have no idea how great it is to see your wonderful face."
"I love you so much babe. Just give me the word and I'll have some of my friends pay a call on your preacher friend. No one can get away with this kinda bullshit...Your poor face is all smashed."
"You were right from the start Aggie. Getting mixed up with religion has sure screwed up my life."
"But you can't take this lying down kid. You gotta fight back."
"I got to heal up first. Don't worry Aggie. Mac Burney's not going to forget this. I promise."
"You need your rest. I'll sit here in the chair. If you need anything, just call out. I love you so much Johnny. I can almost feel the hurting myself."
With this, my mind went blank and I felt like I was falling into a dark hole, a bottomless pit, surrounded by pain.

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