Freement by William James Johnson Chapter 20

Professor Herman Woltmann. who taught comparative religion, approached me in the corridor of the Arts' Building and asked me to come to his office. He was reputed to be an aesthetic. With the exception of his numerous books lining the wall, his office resembled a monk's cell. His shoddy appearance indicated his lack of concern about externals, his long greyish black hair forming a pad above his collar. He always wore the same dark blue worsted suit which fitted him like a glove, the thin white pin stripes disappearing in the elbows, knees, and seat. Thick, horn rimmed glasses completed the picture.
"I suppose you've been wondering why I've asked you to come?"
"Yes I have...not being in any of your classes..."
"I've had my eye on you for some time. Quite frankly, I'm worried."
"About me? You don't even know me."
He stood up and paced in front of me in the small office, rubbing his chin. He stopped and looked down at me.
"What are you trying to prove?"
"Prove? What do you mean?"
"I was there when you spoke against the ten commandments. I knew then you were all mixed up. Now I understand you're trying to pollute the minds of your classmates by organizing some kind of anti-religious movement."
"Who told you this ?"
"You're not the first freshman I've known who thinks he can change the world. Crack pot theories sprout up in the fall on all university campuses, only to wither on the vine by spring."
I resented his characterization of my Freement philosophy as being spawned by a crack pot. "What's this got to do with me?"
"I'd like to know where you stand. University students have a penchant for hopping on and off radical band wagons. They haven't any staying power. Realize it now, and save yourself all this time and effort."
"Did you ever stop to think maybe I believe in what I'm doing?"
"Believe in what?"
"Believe in helping man gain mental freedom, by getting rid of God and conscience."
"Now really," he chuckled. "You? Get rid of God?"
I stood up and started for the door. He reached out and grabbed my shoulder, restraining me.
"I'm not through yet Martindale."
"Well I'm through with you. I don't have to sit here and take this abuse."
"You're right... Forgive me young man. I had no intention of abusing you. This is more serious than I anticipated. Please sit down."
"Dr.Woltmann, the Ideas I nave expressed are not spur of the moment thoughts. I really believe man is a prisoner of God, and he will never be free until God is destroyed."
"Can't you see how dangerous these ideas are?"
"Man's got to make the break some time."
"But you fail to realize the essential function of religion is to integrate life. It is a way of life, not a meandering. Life must have a purpose. Religion gives man that purpose. The quality of such integration varies with the willingness of the individual to surrender to it completely."
"That's what I'm against. Complete surrender is a sign of weakness. The individual who allows this to happen, becomes less a man."
"What makes you think you are right?"
"I start with things as they are. I don't create gods to give me answers."
"If you continue with this so-called movement of yours, you will create doubts in the hearts of people who are now happy in their surrender. You will fill our mental hospitals to overflowing. People need their belief in an Almighty to help them overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Your ideas will destroy their hope."
"Maybe that might happen. But that's no reason to continue with a lie. The weak may perish in the struggle, but the survivors will be better able to cope with a future which promises to take man into the abyss of our infinite universe. Man
cannot set a new goal for himself until he rids himself of his old goal."
"What new goal?"
"A greater understanding of his environment. The goal of man must be knowledge, of real things, not imaginary fantasies. You should be working with me professor, not against me."
"You'll destroy yourself with these ideas, because your mind has lost its direction. Your way of life is a blind trial and error way. God's way is the only way."
"You're no different than the others. To hell with God. Let him burn in the hell he has created."
"Your egotism will destroy you. I thought I might be able to help you, but you suffer from the sin of pride."
"Help those who need help. I don't need anyone." I got up to leave.
"You're evil Martindale. The devil has captured your soul and you are being used by this loathsome creature to ruin the lives of all you touch."
Before leaving his office I had one more comment. "And who is inside you Doctor? God?", and I slammed the door in his face.
In the darkness of the hall, my heart was pounding so violently I was sure it could be heard rebounding off the walls. I couldn't believe I had spoken that way to one of my superiors. I had to succeed. I had to prove I was right.
Stu told me the proprietor of the Harmony Bar didn't want to have anything to do with Freementers, many of whom were under twenty-one. He was afraid he might lose his license. Stu suggested using one of the University reading rooms. These could accommodate up to two hundred people, and since most students left early on Fridays, we could count on the rooms being unoccupied.
After my run in with Dr.Woltmann, I wasn't that keen on conducting Freement meetings under the noses of the University staff. I was afraid I might get expelled, and if that happened, my ideas would wither on the vine like Woltmann had predicted.
I continued wandering in Skid Row trying to find a suitable meeting place for my followers. It was during one of these ventures in late spring that I heard hymns being sung at the sunset service of the Lighthouse Mission. I sat at the back observing silently. An old man with unkempt hair stood at the lectern, waving a small bible in his right hand.
"When I woke up this morning, I felt my age. Sixty seven years old. I was tired and discouraged. Life is drawing to a close, and I have done nothing with it. My family is gone because of my sinning and I was now desperately alone. I didn't even want to get out of bed. Then suddenly I was guided by an angel of God. My tired old hands reached for my Bible. I opened its sacred pages, and there it was, the promise of my Lord, Jesus Christ. 'I will be with you until the consummation of the world"'.
"Do you hear me. If you do, give me an Amen. My Lord said he would stay with me until the end of the world. Everyone else had left me, but the Son of God would not forget me. Do you realize what that means to a man who feels his life has been a failure? He restoreth my spirit. The love of God flowed through my weary limbs and I regained new strength. Jesus is in me...Jesus is in me."
With this last statement he began jumping up and down on the platform to the hearty approval of the derelicts who had come in for a free supper. It was Macdonald Burney all over again. As the service continued an old woman shifted uneasily in the seat beside me. I hadn't paid much attention to her. She tugged at my sleeve.
"Can you buy a lady a drink? I'll make it worth your while. Come on in the alley with me and I'll make you feel real good."
Her throaty whisper was so desperate and forlorn. I turned to look at her. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Aggie.
"Aggie!"
Everyone turned. She recognized me and ran out of the mission. I took after her as fast as I could.
"Aggie! Wait!"
Two old drunks staggered along watching my pursuit. You ought to take better care of your old lady," they laughed.
She ducked into an alleyway, cluttered with garbage pails and fire escapes. I caught her as she struggled to pry open the rusted door of her hovel.
"Stay away kid. Leave me alone. I"m no good. I'll only hurt you."
"What's happened Aggie? Look at you!"
"Can't you see. I'm trying to kill myself."
"But why'?"
"Because I was wrong. Remember how I told you to do whatever you like and forget about everyone else. It's no use Johnny. It doesn't work."
"But it works for me. Look at me. I'm doing all right."
"Come on inside."
The window in the door had been replaced with pieces of wood from a packing case. Huge scars of peeling paint gave a leprous texture to its harsh exterior. Inside was a studio couch and a torn leather chair. A small table with a hot plate stood in the corner under a heavily stained sink.
When Aggie turned around, I could hardly believe the transformation which had taken place in her. Limp chunks of flesh hung from her haggard face, a face that once had a plump attractiveness. Her wrists were thin, and long stringy cords fastened her fingers to her arms like a puppet. There was an empty whisky bottle on the table and several empties underneath.
"Sit down Johnny if you don't think it'll mess your clothes."
"I can't believe it Aggie. You're too sensible to ruin yourself like this. Let me help you."
"It's too late honey. I'm tired of living."
"But it doesn't have to be this way. I'll get a decent place for you to live, and once you start eating again, you ‘ll be as good as new."
"Why didn't you do something like that for Lizbet when you had the chance? Did you know she died?"
"The lady in your house told me all about it. It must've been awful."
"The doctor called it suicide...but it was murder."
"You mean you killed Lizbet?"
"Not me...You and Burney, and all her crazy ideas about God...that's what killed that poor child. She counted so much on having that baby. She kept saying that when the baby was born she was going to give it to God to make up for her sinful life. But she lost the kid, and in her own twisted way, she felt she had lost her soul."
I put my arm around my pathetic friend.
"Let me do something to help you Aggie. I owe it to you."
She became angered at my insistence. "You don't owe me a damn thing. Keep to hell outa my life. You ran out on me once, you can get to hell away from me now."
"You're wrong Aggie. I didn't run out on you. You sent me away. Remember?"
"That was the biggest mistake I ever made..."
"Then let me help you."
"It's too late."
"You can do anything if you really want to. Remember how often you said that?"
"Only words. I said a lot of things. But I was wrong. Man needs God Johnny. Without him, life has no direction."
"That's not true. That's not what my old friend Aggie used to say."
"It's true...I had to destroy myself before I could find God. Don't let this happen to you kid."
That was it. She was beginning to create doubts in my mind. I wanted to tell her about my Freement movement but I would be wasting my time. I figured it must have been the alcohol that made her talk that way. Alcoholics are great repenters. Freement can't be wrong. My ideas are based on logic.
I left the dismal room. and wandered slowly into the alley, numbed by the human refuse I had just witnessed. Aggie would have been okay if she had continued being a Freementer, but she had failed to completely destroy her religious conscience.
Against my wishes our next Freement meeting took place in the student common rooms at the University. More than eighty people were present. I decided to tell them Lizbet's story.
"I've told you many times how I believe that religion has caused havoc in the lives of people. and tonight I've decided to tell you of a personal experience which I hope will drive my point home."
"This young girl, about your age, wanted so much to believe in God, and to accept Christ as her personal saviour, that her distorted ideas destroyed her. She was a very beautiful girl, who lacking in formal religious training, became involved with a fanatical religious cult, dominated by a crazed egomaniac. This so-called religious leader played on the emotions of his followers to gain control over them. He would speak so forcefully about the fires of hell, he could strike fear even into the hearts of thinking people like yourselves. Once this monster aroused their fear of punishment, he would coerce them into coming forward in his church and confess publicly all their most secret faults. By this method of public confession he entrapped his congregation, and they became victims of his manipulations. But this young girl lacked the courage to make this public confession, and he had convinced her she would be damned for all eternity unless she came forward."
"Desperate to find another way of making peace with God, she came up with the idea that if she could get someone else to confess, thus saving his soul, she too would be forgiven. She sought out and found a man who attended these meetings, and recognizing him as a religious cynic, in her own mind, she vowed she would save him, no matter what it would take on her part."
"There was a great struggle between these two, she doing whatever she could to keep him coming to the services, he for his part, continually attacked all the precepts her leader presented. He stayed with her because he wanted to have sex with this young virgin, and she finally gave in, willing to trade her body for his soul. Only he didn't keep the bargain. After seducing her, and making her pregnant, he discarded her."
"Her anguish was unbearable. She was sure now of eternal damnation. Her only hope for salvation was the developing child she carried as the result of her sin. But her suffering was not over yet. Because of an unfortunate accident, the baby was born dead, and the young mother's twisted religious view of life, was devastating."
As I was telling my story, I noticed the silhouette of a man coming into the common room. He sat down behind the group while I continued speaking.
"This poor unfortunate wretch had relied on God letting her have this child so she could offer it to her creator for her perceived sinful life. But her God let her down. Her God damned her when he took her child from her. This was too much. The young girl cracked when she learned her baby had died and in the lowest depths of despair, took an overdose, and ended her tragic life. By this action, according to her belief, she guaranteed her own eternal damnation."
"How could such a tragedy have been avoided? You know the answer. By destroying the false belief which caused this young person to pursue a fantasy. Her fear of hell was self-generated once her leader had planted the seed. Can't you see why I insist you must destroy these myths before they destroy you. If there is going to be any destruction, let it be the destruction of religion. Freementers must get rid of God. Man must be given mental freedom."
The man who had come into the back of the hall jumped up and began shouting. "Stop it. Stop it. I won't let you continue with this corruption." As he came out of the shadows I recognized Dr.Woltmann.
"Why do you listen to this devil? Have you any idea what would happen if you followed his doctrine of irresponsibility? You are suppose to be thinking persons. Think for God's sake and stop this cruel nonsense."
"They know what will happen if they follow me. People will be truly free. It will be the end to the hypocritical double standard which exists in our phoney Christian world."
"I won't allow it. This is an abuse of free speech..."
"What gives you the right to speak freely but deny it to me. My followers have come to hear me, not the rantings of a senile academic like you."
"Why you insolent pup...Get out. All of you. get out of this room, or so help me God I'll have you all expelled."
"Your threats don't scare us. Kick us out and we'll go to the media and let everyone know about our movement. You'll be helping us by taking action against us. Go back to your cage and meditate. You haven't the guts to do anything. You're all talk."
Woltmann charged to the front of the room and struck me across the face. Two of the students grabbed him and pulled him away from me.
"No, no, no, don't. Let him go...we'll leave. But you won't stop me now. Your actions have given me more reason to end this tyranny that would deny me the right to share my convictions. Your religion has distorted your thoughts. You should be working with me, not against me."
The Freementers filed silently out of the room. Some sneaked out before the professor could get a good look at them. My face still stung from his blow. Clara walked beside me quietly, until we got out of the building into the fresh evening air.
"How long are you going to take this kind of abuse'!"
"As long as it takes."
"They ridicule you and strike you. They did the same thing to Christ."
"Clara, I'm no Christ."
"In a way, you're a modern Christ. You want to bring a new way of life to the people of the world, the same as he did."
"Let's hope I don't end up like he did, persecuted by my own people. What I could never understand, is why, if he was God, he didn't use his power to overcome his tormentors? Why didn't he fight back?"
"He came to give his life for us. He is our redeemer."
"My God. You still believe that crap don't you?"
"It's hard to break away from the faith you've had all your life. I still believe he rose from the dead. Doesn't that prove he was the Son of God?"
"Clara, the resurrection is one of the greatest frauds in history. His followers stole his body to make the superstitious peasants believe the scriptures had been fulfilled."
"I don't want to argue with you Marty. I have to be honest with you, like you say we should be as good Freementers. Honestly I still believe in Jesus."
"What's wrong with you tonight? Has Woltmann's protest changed your thinking?"
"It wasn't him that changed my mind. It was your story about that tragic young girl. You knew her didn't you Marty."
"Yes I did. But please...I don't want to talk about it. It is still too painful."
"I felt that pain when you were talking. I still find a need for hope in my life through Jesus. Please don't be angry with me Marty. I'm just being honest with you. I need more time."
I held her closely and tasted the moist sweetness of her kiss.
"You can take as long as you need. I'll never force my beliefs on anyone."

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